Statement: My sister's fiance wants to take me deer hunting. I don't have a problem with hunters, but I've never done. There's a huge appeal for me here - it's very primal and Hemingwayesque.

Should I hesitate and not go? Or should I go and purposely miss the deer? Or should I just be fine with the fact that if we're going to eat meat, it's gotta die somehow, and suck it up and be a man and shoot a deer?

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Counsel: Go but miss the deer

Statement: My best friend and I grew up together, went to Baptist Sunday School and everything. We even did the playing around that boys do when we were little but didn't feel gay about it. When I got married he was my best man and he and my wife became good friends. After about two years of marriage my job started sending me out of town a lot. My friend helped out at home with my wife and fixed up stuff that was broken. I thought I could trust them.
What happened is just the stuff that I only thought happened on TV shows. I came home Saturday instead of Sunday. I stopped and got some flowers and sexy underware so I could surprise my wife. You guessed it: when I walk in the front door there is my wife on the floor with my best friend, just going at it. It made me sick. The worst part was that they did not get upset. My wife said that they had hoped that this would happen, as they both loved me and wanted me to join them in love. I threw down the flowers and just ran.
Now I am staying with another friend. I just told him I don't want to be with my wife. But that is not true. I love my wife and I love my friend. Was I wrong to leave? Could a three way relationship work if all the people love one another? I think I want it to work. I don't feel put off by the thought of being with a man and a woman.
Please help me with your wise counsel.
I am so messed up!

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Counsel: no

Statement: I just came into $1500 I wasn't expecting. I guess it's true that money brings a whole new set of problems. To solve them, I will appeal to the honorable judges of COO. Be honest now...

Do I finally buy that flatscreen plasma TV I've had my eye on forever? (To consider: I already have a hi-def Xbox and Call of Duty 4, so, you now, f'in sweet! And my stupid 10-year-old 27-inch is looking worse every day. And I love movies/cable in hi-def.

Or shall I do the responsible thing and save the cash? It's a month's rent for crying out loud and my TV sucks but it does work (and the economy ain't exactly pretty these days - uncertain times and all that).

My financial situation is relatively okay and I could go either way on this but will do as the majority opinion demands. And dammit, the tension is killing me.

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Counsel: Buy Sweet-Ass Flatscreen

Plaintiff Argument : Mom and Dad have been there for us forever. They’ve been great parents, and their anniversary is coming up. It’s a big one – 35 years strong – and we four kids should, I say, get together and get them something really cool, which is namely a cruise to Alaska. Dad always wanted to go back to Alaska since he was there in college, and they haven’t had a vacation in forever. It’s kind of expensive – probably 3 grand or so for the whole deal – but is that too much to ask of us to each kick in 750 bones to show our parents how much we care about them?

They won’t ever admit to wanting something like this, but I think if we just give it to them, they’ll love it.

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Judgment: for plaintiff

Plaintiff Argument : Guitars rule. Bass is lame. Guitarists are like weee wee wee weedly weedly weee!!!

And bass players are all like bumbadumba bum bum bumbaduma dumb.

Lame. Plus, everyone's heard of Guitar Hero. There's no Bass Hero. There's a reason for that.

Plus, a bass is also a fish, if pronounced slightly differently. Lame again.

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Judgment: for defendant

Plaintiff Argument : karen claims she's been working hard all summer preparing for school, and this is why she couldn't join me as a volunteer at the girl scout day camp we've worked at together for years. but little does "garry" know, she was followed, and i got a glimpse of what she was really doing instead of being a good friend.

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Judgment: for defendant

Plaintiff Argument : FASA: Shadowrun + Battletech (and other properties folks who love them will be offended I'm not mentioning)

White Wolf: Vampire, Mage, Werewolf, ... (ditto)

Argument: Dude. Shadowrun. Battletech. Battletech. Shadowrun.

Vampire, etc--pretty cool. But the innate conflicts of Vampire the Masquerade pale to Shadowrun's. And I hate to say it, but even with Trolls and Elves, Shadowrun is way more believable -> immersive. All the White Wolf games are about hiding who and what you are. Shadowrun is all about exposing secrets (or selling them to the highest bidder). Who wants a passive role-playing experience?

The gals on the left play shadowrun. The guy on the right--LARPs whitewolf. I'm just saying. ;)

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Judgment: for plaintiff

Plaintiff Argument : I got into an argument with a friend last night which could best be summed up as "Who are better athletes, hockey or basketball players?" I took the side of hockey. After all, you can argue about a player's hand-eye coordination, speed, physical stamina, etc., etc., and both bball and hockey players clearly have those attributes - probably to about the same degree. But when all is said and done, hockey is played on ice. On ice! Think about that for a moment and I think you have to agree that hockey players simply have to be better athletes.

I post as evidence a hockey brawl. Not to help you decide, but just as something to stare at while my buddy fumbles through his non-ice argument. Also, please note they are fighting on ice. On ICE!

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Judgment: for defendant

Plaintiff Argument : My buddy and I decided to split ownership of a Fantasy Football team this year. The deal was that I make couching decisions and he pays (since he doesn't know much about football and I do). Anyway, we've lost two games in a row (due mostly to 2, count them, TWO, running back injuries on our team) and recently he's been making fun of me in front of other owners - our mutual friends - for not taking us to victory. He has to keep his mouth shut right? I mean we didn't say "no internal smack talk" in our verbal contract, but c'mon, that's implied, no? As part owner, doesn't he have to stick up for me through thick and thin?

See exhibit A. That's me in the helmet.

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Judgment: for defendant

Plaintiff Argument : Every time the defendant and I play paddle tennis, he takes advantage of my deathly hangover to steamroll me in the first set. During the second set, after my superior conditioning and athleticism have kicked in, and after the two Bud Lights have cured my hangover, I whoop his ass.
None of this is problematic, in fact, it's highly predictable. The problem begins in the match-deciding third set, or should I say, the lack of a match-deciding third set. By the time I'm ready to continue the onslaught of the previous set, the defendant is chain-chewing nicotine gum while complaining about his half-ruptured achilles tendon, his impending aneurism and/or the fact that he shouldn't have eaten that third Tito's taco the night before. This puts me in a precarious position. He is one of my oldest friends whom I've known since the second grade. I can't decide whether to feel sorry for him, kick him in the nuts, or drive him to the emergency room.
It will only get worse, I believe. Now that I've decided to get in shape by exercising, cutting out the booze and Vegas overnights, the defendant has brought up a mysterious "bad toe" saying "I can't play paddle tennis for a few weeks, dude".
It is my contention that the defendant realizes my devotion to clean livin' will only exacerbate his woes on the court.
As a result, I request a court-ordered three-set match to be completed no later than Sunday November 2nd.
Thank you

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Judgment: for plaintiff

Plaintiff Argument : My buddy, who shall remain nameless, was playing company softball yesterday and cranked a line drive straight into the pitcher’s hand. Now, the pitcher was a girl. She shrieked. Rather than stop and find out if she was OK, he ran to first.

Lame, right? Oh, her hand was broken.

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Judgment: for defendant

Plaintiff Argument : We have a boss whom we’ll call Larry, and we all work in pretty close quarters each and every day. For the past year and a half, Larry’s breath has been getting worse and worse and worse and worse. Now, it’s worst. It’s like a medical waste dumpster. It reaches across rooms. Nobody will ride the elevator with him. If he gets too close you can feel vomit coming up into your nose. I’m not exaggerating – it’s this bad.

So I say enough is enough. We need to tell him about his breath, because not only is it bordering on a war crime, but he might have a serious medical issue as well. If it turns out he has mouth cancer we’re all gonna feel awful that we didn’t tell him. But we need to do it together, so he can’t blame us individually.

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Judgment: for plaintiff

Plaintiff Argument : OK, so this thing I just read on http://animalreview.wordpress.com really got to me. Maybe I'm in some kind of David Foster Wallace funk city, but reading his essay (which is here: www.gourmet.com/magazine/2000s/2004/08/consider_the_lobster) and this tribute review really got to me, and now, even though I'll admit that nothing makes me happier than a big steaming lobster, I don't think I can eat it again.

It's not a vegetarian thing, I think. It's the whole 'boiling alive' thing. I didn't know that they tried to get out of the pots. It's just cruel. And pointless. And why are we eating giant bugs anyway?

Seriously, I don't think I can make a better argument than was made at the above-mentioned website. It's just too much.

Anyway, my buddy says it's fine and I shouldn't feel any kind of emotion about it.

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Judgment: for plaintiff

Statement: So I have a group of amazing beautiful friends that tend to surround themselves with men that aren't the best for them. These men withhold themselves physically and emotionally from these girls and in the long run hurting them. So what's with that? Do girls just need to feel validated and to be able to say they are in some form of relationship even it means emotionally torturing themselves? How would one go about making them understand that what they're doing to themselves if going to end up hurting sooner or later? Do I let them learn on their own?

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Counsel: yes

Statement: My friend's notorious for just bailing parties, events and big gatherings without saying goodbye to anyone.

He knows it's rude but maintains that, these are my friends, I see them all them time, why do I have to say goodbye when I'm going to see them again soon? It's a waste of time because when he wants to leave, he wants to leave now and not in 30 mins because saying goodbye these days really means a few more minutes of idle chit chat that will be forgotten once he exits. Besides, people from the Maldives don't. They don't even have a 'hello or goodbye' in their language. When the water rises on their atoll, the only thing to worry about is leaving, not saying hello or goodbye before they flee for their lives.

It's a bad habit, but suits him. And I envy him a bit for doing it, and not thinking twice about it. But he is my friend, and I don't want people to judge him negatively because of something like this. I haven't said anything to him about it but i know he's heard rumblings about people that were offended by his 'lack of courtesy'. Unfortunately, or fortunately, he's got a thick skin and it doesn't seem to faze him. I can tell he feels a bit or remorse but I don't think he's going to change things.

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Counsel: It's cool

Statement: hmmmm....well here it goes. I have a friend who just loves to mingle and go out on the town, a real people person. But should I set limits with this person who goes home with various people and makes out a lot. If I say something, I would find it quite hypocritical. But I only want what's best for this person...so what should I do? should I say something?

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Counsel: No

Statement: Perez Hilton is so caught up in his own bullshit he fails to realize that he’s become exactly what he blogged against to begin with. Like Kim K, Paris, Brooke, Samantha and all the other N.T.I.’s - he’s famous for “nothing”. (Okay, maybe being a gay latino with a blog who sucks up to the N.T.I's). He perpetuates the “high school” mentality that’s undermining Americans with his fluff blogs about himself, lame ass celebrity doings and going ons, bad music and z-listers. (Note - read your emails Master(bating) P — you’ve been behind the curve on so many things for a while now). If Perez had a brain, he’d use his ‘voice‘ for good. And I’m not talking about a quick cut/paste job for “a worthwhile cause”. Encourage your readers to do good, to not become these lame ass N.T.I’s, or at the least, use correct spelling and grammar in your blog so you don’t encourage illiteracy.

Enjoy your 15 minutes, Perez. Because there’s many who will enjoy it more when it’s over — and yes, it will be over….

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Counsel: Maim him

Statement: To what extent am I morally obligated to keep my friends from things which are harmful? This includes breaking the law, drugs, unhealthy actions, and too many hours playing video games. If I cannot morally accept an action from myself, should I accept it from a friend?

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Counsel: Situationally

Plaintiff Argument : My really good friends (let's call them P+G) have been married for years. A couple years ago they bought some pass to Disneyland and they pretty much go there about twice a month now. Seriously, every time I call them on the weekends, they're at Disneyland. Ugh. I think they're insane to hit the crowds and that heat and that traffic without actually being forced to do it by some 6 year old kid (they go by themselves). They seem to love it for reasons they have not quite been able to articulate to me. P+G have lived in L.A. most of their lives, by the way, so it's not like it's a novelty -- and they live about an hour away on a good day. They are nuts, right?

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Judgment: for defendant

Plaintiff Argument : Coffee Bean rules. Especially compared to Starbucks. First of all, the company isn't trying to take over the world, which is refreshing. While Starbucks has 15,000 + stores in 44 countries, CB is a nice little regional shop based mostly in So Cal.

At CB, you can order a "small" "medium" or "large" coffee like a normal person. At Starbucks you pretty much have to speak some weird form of Latin that's been dead for 10,000 years, just to get a simple drip coffee from a 'barista' (a.k.a. a 16 year old kid with acne and 2 days of training). And Venti? WTF? I just want a cup of coffee, kid.

Also, and this is probably a minor point, the coffee is simply better at Coffee Bean. Starbucks is a huge multi-national corporation and you can almost taste the focus group testing in their house mix. Enough already, right?

Oh, and in case you haven't noticed, CB customers are more attractive. I don't know what this means, really, but it's true. Just an added bonus for those who like people watching.

And finally.....a drive through, Starbucks? You're joking, right? Prosecution rests.

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Judgment: for plaintiff