case detail
-
- 2008-10-09
- Paddle tennis hi-jinks
- Case Type:
- Friendship, Ethics, Etiquette
- Status:
- Verdict Reached
- Terms:
- seven judges or 1 week, whichever comes first
-
- Plaintiff:
- Cuoco
- Plaintiff's Argument:
- Every time the defendant and I play paddle tennis, he takes advantage of my deathly hangover to steamroll me in the first set. During the second set, after my superior conditioning and athleticism have kicked in, and after the two Bud Lights have cured my hangover, I whoop his ass.
None of this is problematic, in fact, it's highly predictable. The problem begins in the match-deciding third set, or should I say, the lack of a match-deciding third set. By the time I'm ready to continue the onslaught of the previous set, the defendant is chain-chewing nicotine gum while complaining about his half-ruptured achilles tendon, his impending aneurism and/or the fact that he shouldn't have eaten that third Tito's taco the night before. This puts me in a precarious position. He is one of my oldest friends whom I've known since the second grade. I can't decide whether to feel sorry for him, kick him in the nuts, or drive him to the emergency room.
It will only get worse, I believe. Now that I've decided to get in shape by exercising, cutting out the booze and Vegas overnights, the defendant has brought up a mysterious "bad toe" saying "I can't play paddle tennis for a few weeks, dude".
It is my contention that the defendant realizes my devotion to clean livin' will only exacerbate his woes on the court.
As a result, I request a court-ordered three-set match to be completed no later than Sunday November 2nd.
Thank you
-
- Defendant:
- Steve 2
- Defendant's Argument:
- Ladies and gentlemen, I've known the self-proclaimed 'Steve 1' since second grade. In that time, he's made about 4000 attempts at 'clean livin.' While these did have the affect of lowering the value of Budweiser stock, they rarely lasted longer than a week or two. So, based of the uniformity of experience, I'm not scared of some hypothetical non-drinking Steve, but rather of my own liabilities - as alluded to by plaintiff.
I'm almost 42, an ex-smoker, and rarely get off the couch except to eat and poop. And yes, I chew Nicorette gum like it's candy. Recently a doctor told me I'm in the same physical condition as a 165-year-old man. To be frank, I'm scared of dying out there on the paddle tennis court - which is why I stop after the second set. I beg the judges to consider that a court-ordered 3 set match will probably kill me dead. Dead, I say. I would like to request 2 sets (by Nov. 2) as per our usual agreement and that we count up the games won in each of the 2 sets to decide who is the ultimate winner. Steve 1 knows that I'll be on the ground in set 3 with my busted Aorta splattering red death into my chest cavity. What's the fun in going 6-0 against a dead guy?
I humbly throw myself at the mercy of the court and will probably throw my back out in the process.
Judgment: for plaintiff
4 ruled for plaintiff
3 ruled for defendant
Majority Opinion:
plead a case
File suit and serve someone
with an e-summons to appear
before the court.
be a judge
View pending cases and
render judgment.
seek wise counsel
Create a one-party case and request
advice from a panel of judges.
case of the week
See the best cases recently
settled by the court.